A Rose By Any Other Name is Still Cheesy as Hell
by OverSweetNightmare
Summary: Kyman! Kyle doesn't hate Valentine's Day, he just hates feeling left out. All Cartman wants to do is make him happy. Fluffy, fluffy, fluffy oneshot for V-Day. T because of customary SP cussing.


**Well look who it is, it's OSN. After months of hopelessly trying to write more Kyman, Soul mentioned that Valentine's Day was coming up, and then there ****was _inspiration._ Well, more like me grabbing a vaguely good idea and working with it to get something out in time. But hey. Here's a fic.**

**It's not my best work, but it's not my worst, either (I'd say either Obsessive Addiction or one of my Cooper fics takes that title). **

**Enjoy!**

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My head was down when the errand boy walked into our room. I heard the door open, and I could hear the excited whispers behind me, and I knew instantly why he was there and what he was delivering. I didn't look up. Instead, I continued writing down the notes in my journal, focused only on the information and keeping my letters nice and neat.

"Here they are, class!" I heard the teacher say in her most excited voice. She was a nice lady, very intelligent, and a total sucker for romance. I liked her, but her exuberance over this was a bit grating, if only because I knew I wouldn't be involved. But it was better that way. Some things were best left hidden, and I wanted everyone to think I was still sitting firmly in the Singles Corner.

I turned the page of my notebook and continued writing. The whispers had grown into excited chatter.

"My, my, this box is filled to the brim! It looks like this class is well-loved!"

I heard the girls giggle behind me. Flecks of graphite circled my letters as I pressed down on the pencil harder than necessary.

I heard the box thump down on the table, and the errand boy left. As the teacher began to sort through the box's contents, the girls made anxious noises and began to ask in shrill voices if their names were anywhere in that box.

I finally glanced up. I knew what I would see, though. A brown cardboard box, unassuming in all of its normality, sat on the teacher's desk. And poking over the rim of the box were the petals of vividly red roses freshly snipped from wherever they'd originally grown. Every year, right before Valentine's Day, South Park High would give everyone a chance to buy a rose for their lover or friend. And on the actual holiday they would get passed out in the forth class, right before lunch.

I looked back down at my paper and continued writing.

"Let's see," the teacher said thoughtfully. "Ah, here's one for… Wendy! Oh, it's from Stan. What a sweet boy."

I saw Wendy's skirt swish past my desk, and as soon as she was sitting down again her friends began to squeal enthusiastically.

The lead of my pencil snapped off and rolled across my notebook before dropping into my lap.

"And here's one for Bebe!" the teacher said excitedly. "Oh, and another! And _another! _You have a lot of admirers, don't you, Ms. Stevens?"

Bebe strutted past my desk, and I looked up as she collected her three roses. She looked through the tags on them, pouted, and glanced at me before quickly looking away when she saw that I was watching. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and leaned over to dig another pencil out of my backpack.

I've never held any real contempt towards Valentine's Day, but there's still something painful about watching people get presents from others who love them and knowing you won't get anything. Time and time again, I've told myself that I don't need some stupid dead flower to represent the love I already have in my life, or a box of chocolates or a stuffed dog or anything silly like that. But I still felt a pang in my heart when I saw others getting gifts and candies and kisses.

"Okay, who's next…"

I kept writing as the teacher called out more names of various boys and girls from our class. I was nearing the end of my note-taking, but I was hoping that by the time I was done, she would have finished and we could move on with the lesson. I would get my fill of romance at the end of the day, when I was away from the prying eyes of my peers. This was just annoying.

"And… here's one for you, Kyle."

I stopped writing, stunned, and looked up at the teacher. She was smiling and holding a rose in my direction. The chattering behind me had quieted, and I was aware that most of the girls were staring at me. I slowly stood up and walked over to the desk. The flower was pushed into my hand, and I stared at the tag dumbly. There was nothing in the _from_ section. But my name was on the _to_ line, and I instantly recognized the handwriting.

As I turned to go back to my desk, I saw him.

He was in his desk at the back of class, his hands folded on top of it, shoulders relaxed, eyes focused right on me. He had that grin on his face, that crooked, devilish grin that made me feel weak in the knees. I looked away from him, afraid that someone would follow my gaze, and quickly sat back down in my seat.

The teacher kept calling names, and the chattering resumed.

"Who's it from?" Bebe asked as she leaned over her desk to look over my shoulder. I glanced back at her and tried not to look annoyed.

"I dunno," I said as calmly as I could. "They didn't sign their name."

"Hmph. It seems a little cowardly for her to not sign her name," she said. I suppose I should have expected her to assume it was a girl. No reason to think it wasn't.

"I guess," I replied a bit dryly. "I think it's a nice gesture, in any case." Even though it was making my heart pound and my stomach clench tightly because I was scared people were going to somehow _know_ and I would get called out for being an idiot in choosing someone to date and everyone would resent me and reject me and my parents would disown me and all I would have would be him and he'd try to make a joke out of it and fail and I'd be completely _miserable._

Bebe seemed to consider my words carefully, and then she sat back in her seat to resume chattering with her friends.

I sighed and glanced up at the teacher as she called out the last few names. She didn't seem surprised in the slightest that I'd gotten one. She's been at one of the booths that sold them during lunch… I wondered if she had been the one he went to when he got it. If she was, then did she have any idea how strange it was for him to do that? Or did she not look at the name he wrote down? She didn't know us all that well, but she'd been part of the staff long enough to have heard about "The Boys." She would know of our assumed relationship. But suppose she _hadn't_ been the one he went to and she was just happy I was admired…

My head was spinning. I pulled the rose to my face and took a deep sniff to calm myself down. It smelled good, and I kept it in front of my nose as the box was set down and the teacher congratulated us all before continuing the lesson. I took a few moments to still my heart at least a bit, and then I finally set my flower down and continued with my note-taking. A lot of things were going through my head, but work was more important.

The bell for lunch finally rang, and we all gathered up our things as the teacher told us to have a wonderful Valentine's Day, even if we were single. A few girls walked up to her to talk for a bit, and I watched them a bit curiously. Then I decided it wasn't important and pulled my backpack over my shoulders. The only thing I didn't stuff into it was my rose, which I clutched firmly in one hand, careful to avoid the few dull thorns on its stem.

We all filed into the hallway and were swept along towards the cafeteria by the river of other students going in the same direction. The moment we reached our destination, there was finally room to breathe, as the cafeteria was pretty big and a lot of people went outside once they had their food anyway. I stepped into the line and tucked my rose behind one ear so my hands were free. It looked pretty stupid, and really girly, but I wanted my friends to think I was making fun of it when they caught up to me. Stan and Kenny didn't need to know how it actually made me feel.

Once I had my food, I began to make my way outside. Before I was even at the door they were on either side of me. Sometimes, when Stan jokingly said "My Kyle senses are tingling" when he knew I was nearby, I wondered if he was really kidding. His unnatural ability to find me in any given situation was just a tad on the strange side.

"Dude, Kyle!" he said excitedly. "You got a rose? Seriously? Who's it from?"

I stuck my tongue out at him. "It's from my _secret admirer._ Are you jealous yet?" I pushed the door open, and we walked outside together.

"Insanely so," said Stan, and then he plucked it from my ear to look at the tag. I heard him cluck his tongue when he saw the empty _from_ line. "Goddamn it, he's right, Kenny. It's from a secret admirer. Lucky bastard."

"Secret admirer my ass," Kenny scoffed. "It's Bebe. We all know it's Bebe. She's so hot for you it's not even funny, dude."

I shrugged and leaned over to brush snow off of the table I planned to set my lunch down on. "I dunno. Doesn't she write more… like, in cursive? That's not cursive." I sat down and opened my milk carton as Stan and Kenny sat on either side of me.

"I guess it's not," Stan said. "Fuck. I wonder who likes you enough to spend money on you…"

"Are you implying I'm not worth spending money on?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. Stan stared at me, and then he quickly tried to spit out a good reply, but he didn't get the chance before we were interrupted.

"Nice flower, Jew," Cartman said as he walked up behind us. Stan glanced up at him, then held the flower protectively before quickly handing it back to me. I appreciated the care; it _would_ be like Cartman to take it and tug off all the petals. Not like he really would, but Stan didn't know that.

"Yes, it is pretty, isn't it?" I said coolly as I set it down in my lap. I raised the milk carton to my lips and took a long drink from it as I waited for Cartman to reply. He was looking at me carefully, which Stan and Kenny had obviously not taken note of. They never did notice things like that.

"Aww, looks like you didn't get one, Cartman," Kenny said playfully. "Funny, I was under the impression that Butters was going to send you one this year."

"Fuck off," Cartman grunted as he walked around the table and sat down across from us. I noticed that he hadn't brought a lunch tray with him, and he wasn't pulling anything out of his backpack. He'd said he wanted to lose weight, but I was surprised to see him actually attempting it. Though fasting during lunch wasn't the greatest way to do it.

I set my milk down and went to work on the tater tots on the tray. Stan and Kenny struck up conversation, and I listened without any intent of joining. Their conversations about sports always bored me to tears. The only sport I'd ever been interested in was basketball. They discussed things like football and hockey and soccer like they were all wonderful things. Never baseball, though. We'd all learned our lesson with that one.

When I was finally done with my food, I stood up and grabbed the tray and my rose. Stan and Kenny stopped talking and looked up at me.

"I'm going to the library," I said. "I have some work I need to finish."

"Oh, okay," said Stan. "See you after school?"

"Like always," I said with a nod. Then I walked away, dumped the contents of the tray in the trash can, and set it on top so it could be picked up later. But before walking off, I looked back over at the table. Stan and Kenny were deep in conversation again. But Cartman hadn't joined them; he had his hands folded on the table, his shoulders relaxed, and his gaze focused directly on me. When our eyes met, he tossed his head to move the hair out of his face and gave me a grin. I shivered and quickly turned away.

Instead of turning into the school, I walked right past the doors and kept going. I went around the perimeter of the building, passing the Goths, some kissing teenagers, and a few potheads before finally finding a secluded spot around the back. I dropped my backpack in the snow and sat down heavily beside it. I knew I had to wait a few minutes. The lunch period was pretty long, so we were always safe to be apart for a bit to make sure no one thought we were going anywhere _together._

After what felt like much too long, I finally heard his boots crunching through the snow.

I jumped to my feet, the rose in my hand, and turned to look at him. He stopped as soon as he saw my expression. I'm not sure exactly what it looked like, but I imagine it was some sort of cross between embarrassment and anger. He probably wasn't expecting that.

"What the hell, Cartman?" I snapped as I walked over to him. "Didn't we agree on _nothing_ public? What the hell do you think this is?" I waved the rose in his face, and he crossed his eyes to look at it before pushing it away and looking down at me without even a flicker of remorse. In fact, he looked _amused,_ of all things.

"No one knows it was from me," he said calmly. "Calm down, Kahl."

"Say my name right," I grumbled, and he just gave me a smile. I sighed angrily and held the rose closer to my chest.

"What are you so worried about?" he asked curiously. "If anyone guessed it was me, it'd be no problem convincing them that they're fucking crazy for thinking that."

"I don't know," I said sharply. "I just… What if they _do_ figure it out? What if they saw me looking at you? What if someone finds us back here and puts two and two together? We'll be found out, and Stan and Kenny will be disgusted, and the whole school will make fun of us, and my parents will disown me , and –"

Cartman put a hand over my mouth. I looked up at him, and he was giving me a look that was a mix of impatience and worry. "Kyle," he said firmly, the effort put into saying my name correctly evident in his tone. I blinked and relaxed a little to show him I was listening. I was stressed to hell, but if he wanted to try and reassure me, I was all for it. I needed it.

"You're being completely unreasonable," he said bluntly. I guess I knew that was coming. "I didn't sign my name because I knew it would be better for you that way. No one knows. Okay? No one has any idea that I got that for you. I did it because I wanted to make you happy." Cartman looked directly into my eyes, and then he moved his hand from my mouth to my cheek. Displays of affection that were so blatantly romantic usually meant he was being dead serious. I kept listening.

"A week ago, you were telling me how you feel on Valentine's Day," he said slowly. "So I thought I'd make it better for you. That's all." Cartman smiled at me and patted my cheek. "You're my equal now. I want you to make me happy, so I'll make you happy too."

"You actually consider me to be on… your level?" I asked skeptically. It occurred to me that we'd had a similar conversation at some point, and I could, to a degree, predict his answer.

Cartman shrugged and pulled his hand away. "Well, you're still a goody-two-shoes Ginger Jersey Jew, but you mean a lot to me. So yeah." He poked my nose, and I grumbled and swatted his hand away. I hated when he did that. "I love you, Kahl," he said happily.

I sighed, rolled my eyes, and smiled back at him. We'd been together for about eight months by that point, and with each day that passed I felt better and better about having accepted him into my heart. He seemed so evil and insensitive, but that was never all he was capable of; in the end, it was his strange way of viewing the world that led him to being so sweet and affectionate with me.

Cartman is a strange person; to this day, he operates in a way unlike any human I've ever met before. He twists the world to conform to his views and ideals, and anything that enters his mind automatically becomes The Word of God. I don't know what made him fall in love with me, but when he did, he thought it was the most natural thing in the world. Numerous drawn-out conversations with him discussing the fact that nothing in me had changed from what he hated showed me that he didn't understand how strange his sudden switch in views was. He fully grasped that everyone would think it was extremely unusual, and he told me that he'd rather keep it a secret for a while because it would ruin his so-called "badass" image, but he never seemed to get why I acted so confused when he treated me like I was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

One half of me will always worry about what's wrong in his head to make him think the way he does. But the other half will always be grateful for what it gave me: the most amazing boyfriend I could have ever hoped for.

"I love you too, Cartman," I said as I moved closer and pressed myself up against him. He wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I nuzzled his chest as my heart swelled in my own. He smelled like Axe and cookies and Cheesy Poofs, and I was addicted to that strange mixture. I was addicted to _him._

"Oh, I almost forgot," he said suddenly. I found myself being pushed away, and I watched curiously as Cartman let his own backpack slide off of his shoulders and fall into the snow. I held the rose up to my face and smelled it again as he crouched beside his bag and went digging through the mountains of crumpled papers and forgotten schoolbooks.

"Here it is!" he said excitedly after a moment, and I looked up again as he pulled something out. Then he stood up, turned to me, and thrust something fluffy and grey into my face.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Kahl!" Cartman exclaimed happily.

I stepped back a little and tucked the rose behind my ear again before gently taking the present from him. It was a stuffed elephant about the size of an infant with outstretched legs and a trunk that was held high in the air. On its stomach was a big red heart, and on said heart in white letters were the words "I love you." I stared at it for a moment, appalled, before smiling as wide as I possibly could.

"You're a cheesy fucking bastard," I murmured playfully as I squeezed the life out of my gift.

Cartman wrapped his arms around me again and held me close, the elephant crushed between us. I didn't mind – I wanted nothing more than to be as close to him as humanly possible. I put my head right over his heart and was pleased to find that it was hammering away about as fast as mine was.

"Did you have a good Valentine's Day, Kahl?" Cartman asked adoringly.

"It's not over yet, you fucking dipshit," I said as I looked up at him. He gave me a pout, and I smiled and stood up on my tiptoes to give him a kiss. "But so far, it's been wonderful, Cartman," I whispered gently. "You did a good job."

Just then, the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch and our alone time. I reluctantly pulled away from Cartman and leaned over to tuck the elephant into my backpack. We both pulled our bags onto our shoulders, and then Cartman pulled me close again and gave me a long, passionate kiss.

"See you after school?" he questioned softly as we parted.

"Always," I said. "I'll have to hang with Stan and Kenny first, though."

"That's alright," Cartman said with a grin. "I have some stuff to do anyway."

As we began to walk away from each other, planning to circle the school in opposite directions to avoid suspicion, I carefully considered the look in his eyes. Valentine's Day certainly wasn't over yet – I knew that he was planning something else, something just as wonderful as the rose and the elephant if not more.

And whatever it was, I'd be thrilled to accept it, because anything from him means more to me than anyone could ever possibly understand.

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**Didja like it? I sure hope so, that would be pretty wonderful. Feel free to review, fave, ignore, whatever. Something indicative of what you think of it.**

**Everyone have a wonderful Valentine's Day, whenever it rolls around. Also: South Park season 14 DVD/Blu-Ray coming out on April 26th. With _all_ the episodes on it. Let us rejoice, friends.**


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